This one can be particularly unsettling.
Because you know yourself.
You know what you're capable of.
You've dealt with difficult things before.
You've managed busy periods.
You've handled other people's problems.
You've made difficult decisions.
You've got through things that, at the time, felt impossible.
So why does something that once would have been manageable suddenly feel like too much?
You might find yourself thinking:
“What is wrong with me?”
Or:
“Why can't I cope like I used to?”
Perhaps you're worried that you've become less capable.
Less resilient.
Less yourself.
But what if that's not what is happening?
Your capacity can change
We often imagine capacity as a fixed quality.
You're either someone who can cope, or you're not.
But capacity isn't static.
It is influenced by what is happening around you and what you have been carrying within you.
You may have spent years operating at a very high level.
Getting things done.
Being available.
Managing multiple responsibilities.
Putting your own needs somewhere near the bottom of the list.
And perhaps it worked.
Until it didn't.
Not because you suddenly became incapable.
But because the equation changed.
The demands remained, or increased, while your available capacity changed.
Sometimes the smallest thing becomes the hardest thing
You might be surprised by what now overwhelms you.
An email.
A phone call.
Making a decision.
Going somewhere you don't want to go.
Another person asking you what you need.
You may even feel embarrassed by it.
This is ridiculous.
Why am I finding this so difficult?
But difficulty doesn't always tell us how objectively difficult something is.
Sometimes it tells us about the capacity you have available to meet it today.
And that capacity may already be being used elsewhere.
You may have been coping for a very long time
Perhaps you've been the person who manages.
The person who doesn't need much.
The person who keeps going.
The person who says:
I'll be fine.
And perhaps you genuinely have been fine.
But coping can become a habit.
You learn how to keep functioning even when something is difficult.
You learn how to put things aside.
You learn how to carry on.
You learn how not to need too much.
Until one day the things you've put aside don't stay neatly in their boxes.
They begin to show themselves through exhaustion.
Irritability.
Anxiety.
Low motivation.
Feeling overwhelmed.
Difficulty concentrating.
A desire to withdraw.
A sense that you don't have the energy you used to.
“I used to be able to handle this”
That sentence can contain so much self-judgement.
But perhaps a more useful question is:
“What is different now?”
What has changed in your life?
What has accumulated?
What are you carrying that wasn't there before?
What expectations are you still placing on yourself?
What have you been through?
What are you still recovering from?
What are you no longer willing to tolerate?
Sometimes difficulty is not a sign that you are failing.
Sometimes it is a sign that something needs to be reconsidered.
What has shaped your idea of coping?
Perhaps you learned early that capable people don't complain.
Perhaps needing help felt uncomfortable.
Perhaps you were praised for being independent.
Perhaps other people relied heavily on you.
Perhaps you became the person who could always be counted on.
Those qualities may genuinely be strengths.
But strengths can become exhausting when they leave no room for being human.
You don't need to stop being capable.
You may simply need to stop believing that capability means you should be able to carry everything indefinitely.
You are allowed to have changed
This can be one of the hardest things to accept.
Perhaps you aren't who you were ten years ago.
Of course you're not.
You've lived ten more years.
You've experienced things.
Lost things.
Learned things.
Loved.
Adapted.
Changed.
Your circumstances may be different.
Your priorities may be different.
Your body may be different.
Your relationships may be different.
Your understanding of yourself may be different.
So perhaps the question isn't:
“How do I get back to the woman who could handle all of this?”
Perhaps it is:
“Who am I now, and what do I need now?”
That question has possibility in it.
Understanding instead of judgement
When something feels harder than it used to, self-criticism is often the first response.
But judgement rarely gives us useful information.
Curiosity can.
Instead of:
Why can't I cope?
Try:
What has shaped the way I cope?
What have you been carrying?
What have you adapted to?
What have you become responsible for?
What have you never had the opportunity to process?
And what might your difficulty be telling you now?
Because sometimes the thing you are calling weakness is actually information.
A signal that the old way of doing things has reached its limit.
Not because you are broken.
Because you are human.
And perhaps you don't need to become the woman you used to be.
Perhaps you need to understand the woman you are now.