By the time a year has nearly passed, most people around you will have stopped asking. You have gone back to work, kept the household running, turned up for other people. If you are the one others rely on, they may well assume you are through the worst.
And yet the first anniversary is approaching, and something in you knows it isn’t that simple.
In my counselling work, I pay particular attention to the months either side of the first anniversary of a death. It is often the point where a woman who has held everything together finally has room to ask what the year has actually done to her. This piece is written for that moment.
Why does grief still hurt after a year?
There is a common assumption that grief eases a little more each month. Many women find instead that the pain has changed shape rather than shrunk. It may be less constant, but it reaches further down.
Part of the reason is that the early months are often taken up with practical survival: the funeral, the paperwork, the decisions that couldn’t wait. The deeper loss tends to arrive later, once the urgent tasks are done and ordinary life carries on without the person in it.
So, if this stage feels harder in some ways than the first months, nothing has gone wrong. You may simply be meeting the loss more fully now.
Why do I still expect them to be here?
The neuroscientist Dr Mary-Frances O’Connor, author of The Grieving Brain, describes grieving as a form of learning. Over years, your brain mapped where this person would be, what they would say, the part they played in your day and in the future you pictured. Knowing they have died does not instantly redraw that map.
So, you still listen for the car on the drive. You still think, I must tell him that. These moments are not denial. They are the mind slowly catching up with what you already know, and each one is part of how that learning happens, even when it hurts.
What the first anniversary can bring
Many women find the weeks before the anniversary harder than the day itself. The season, the light, the weather can all carry the body back to when everything changed, sometimes before you have consciously noticed the date. This is often called an anniversary reaction. It is common, and it makes sense.
You don’t need to plan the day perfectly. It may help to consider just three things: whether you want company, solitude or some of each; whether you want to mark the day or simply let it pass; and who you could tell, honestly, that the date is coming.
It also helps to know that the anniversary is not a finishing line. For many people the second year brings its own difficulty. The firsts are over, support has gone quiet, and the absence settles in as the ongoing shape of life.
If the anniversary is close and you would rather not face it alone, you can arrange a free introductory conversation with me.
What has this year shaped in me?
Much of my work rests on a simple shift of question: from “What is wrong with me?” to “What has shaped me?” After a bereavement, that shift can be a relief. Instead of asking whether you are coping well enough, you can ask what this year has asked of you.
This is not about finding a silver lining. A devastating loss does not need to have taught you anything. But you may now see things that were hidden while you were simply getting through each day: what you have carried that nobody saw, who has stood beside you and who has drifted, what matters more to you now and what matters less.
A death can also stir older losses. Loss runs through every life, from early attachments and childhood friendships to moves, endings and changes of role. A bereavement in midlife can bring earlier griefs back to the surface, sometimes unexpectedly. Making sense of the present loss often means giving those a little room too.
And the relationship itself does not simply end. What you shared, what you learnt from them, the ways they still live in your choices and values can all remain part of you as your own life moves on.
What comes next: the year after the anniversary
You don’t need a clear picture of the future. Smaller questions are enough to begin with. What do I need more of now? What do I want to protect? What have I put off, and does it still matter to me?
None of this means leaving the person behind. You can miss someone deeply and still want something for your own life. Both can be true at once.
How counselling can help after the first year
Many women come to counselling around this point rather than in the early weeks. The practical demands have eased, other people’s support has thinned out, and there is finally space to understand what has happened.
I work online with women across the UK. My approach is integrative and relational, grounded in person-centred principles, and I am an MBACP registered counsellor with over 25 years’ experience. In our sessions you will not be told how you should feel or hurried towards moving on. We will make sense of this loss in the context of your whole life.
We begin with a free 20-minute introductory conversation, a chance to talk about what has brought you here and whether working together feels right. There is no obligation to continue.
Book your free introductory conversation · You can read about sessions and fees on my Fees and ways of working page.
Frequently asked questions
Is it normal for grief to feel worse after a year?
Yes. Once the early practical demands fade and others’ support eases, many people meet the loss more fully. A harder second year is common.
How long does grief last?
There is no set timetable. Grief changes over time rather than ending on a particular date, and anniversaries and reminders can bring it close again years later.
When is the right time for bereavement counselling?
Whenever you feel you need space to talk. Many women find the months around the first anniversary are when they are ready to look at the year as a whole.